if you have a faith of the mustard seed, you command to the mountains to move and it shall be moved. (Mat 17: 21)

Trouble Ahead

My mountains didn’t move.  They consisted of my teens unwilling to take part in faith-related activities, and an in-law situation in which I saw no way out.  These mountains not only resisted change, they grew larger and closer because both my teenage son’s aberrant behaviors and my father in law’s frail medical condition prompted me to quit my job and spend more time with them at home.

When a friend said in her exuberant faith “but God has a plan!” all I could do is to give a faint cynical chuckle. However, as I trusted God each day to carry me through the darkest times of my life when I felt tempted to assume nothing will EVER change, I slowly learned that the people around me are not my mountains. As my faith grew and my marriage strengthened by the challenges, my focus shifted from my son’s troubling behaviors to what I can do to help the situation.

My first born whom we call Josh started to show obvious dislike in attending church and made the experience so miserable for us that we decided to not make him come. His misophonia, a symptom that makes him uncomfortable in hearing chewing or breathing sound, has aggravated to the point where he told my husband to “stop breathing” countless times. 

He stopped eating with the family at some point in his highschool years. These interactions and many others, have left a deep rift within our family, as Josh’s intolerance for certain sounds were particularly directed toward his father and his younger brother. Later in his teen years, other symptoms like insomnia and panic attack plagued him.  We tried multiple therapists and mental health experts but his reluctance to open up has prevented him from receiving care to this day.

Then his sister whom we call Kaitlyn started developing a similar dismissive attitude towards church, faith matters, extra-curricular activities, and academics. She started to dress immodestly, pierced her nose, talked trash, quit gymnastics and skating, and her grades started plunging.  She blamed her teachers for her grades. The two of them stay up late and started using foul language to each other.  Whatever they were conversing, it was clear they were hostile. One day, I found her Bible, rosary, and other religious items I gifted her throughout the years in a pile on the table where we used to do family rosary.  Josh followed her lead on this a month later.  Those were one of the darkest days of my life.

The biggest temptation I had while going through this ordeal is resort to hate or apathy when I felt helpless, attacked, or ignored by my teens.  This could not have come at a worse time when my husband became more preoccupied with his aging father, and his work moved 30 miles away from our house instead of less than 10 miles. But I learned that this is EXACTLY what the devil wants.  There is nothing more he wants than to cause division and rob Christians of our trust and joy in God.  I had heard of the phrase “hate the sin but not the sinner” but this was difficult. Yet through prayer and persistence I slowly started to muster courage and remain at peace, knowing that God loves each of my children more than I do. My lack of control over their lives is no surprise to Him.

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you (Jer 1:5)

While praying and reflecting on God’s faithfulness, I was reminded that these children were conceived by His Will and not mine. They are His before they are ours.  This is a particularly poignant truth to me, because of a certain event that took place earlier in my life.  I was one of those teens growing up in the late eighties who believed that looks are everything.  So I starved myself using diet pills while I was in highschool, lost 20 pounds in a couple of months, which is a lot of weight when you are 5”1.  I lost my period and it did not come back until many years later when my weight was healthier and my emotions more stable.  Yet my cycles were very sporadic and it only took place a few times a year. 

After my conversion and a desire of having a family started grow in my heart, I realized this is going to be a problem.  It was in this context that one day, I was listening to an evangelical radio that my dear Catholic friend taped on a cassette tape and shipped. My favorite priest Father Tom DiLorenzo was finishing off his radio show In Season and Out of Season.net by a healing prayer.  I stopped cooking and instinctively placed my hand on my lower abdomen, and prayed with him.  My cycle started the next day, and it kept coming back on a regular basis since then. I probably could not have conceived three children in a short time span without my regular cycles. They are in His plan before they were entrusted to me.  That gives me a perspective.

Along the same lines, there is a prayer in Maccabees uttered by the mother whose sons were martyred one by one by a pagan king.  Even though the situations are vastly different because her sons are ready to give their lives for their faith in God while mine is walking away from it, her prayers struck the chord with me. Perhaps sorrow over a loss of a child in any way has a way of connecting mothers.

I do not know how you came into being in my womb. It was not I who gave you life and breath, nor I who set in order the elements within each of you.  Therefore the Creator of the world, who shaped the beginning of humankind and devised the origin of all things, will in his mercy give life and breath back to you again, since you now forget yourselves for the sake of his laws.” (2 Mac. 7:22–23)

Here is a prayer from my heart as we ask for the guidance of the Holy Spirit:

Dear God

I praise and worship my almighty God who creates Heavens and Earth, who graciously gives good counsel and guidance through our precious Savior and His Spirit.  Jesus is the best gift mankind has ever known.  We praise Him and give Him glory.  God, thank you for giving me this child/ these children.  Indeed “I do not know how he/she/they came into being in my womb.  It was not I who gave you life and breath, nor I who set in order the elements within each of you.” I offer you (name your child/children) and thank you for their presence in our family.  You have given them life and shaped them in your image.  In this time of trial and darkness, I bring to you these children before your presence.  Please guide and direct their path beyond my hopes, dreams, and desires.  Even though darkness surrounds, help us to shine His Light so they may follow some day on their own in your time. Stir into flame the faith that they once knew. Grant us consistency, humility, diligence, patience, discipline, and love to direct them to you. 

Our Sorrowful Mother, walk with us.  St Joseph teach us faith and goodness.

In Jesus Name

Amen