Blissful Start
Here was my dream come true: we were a Catholic family of 5 nestled in a church pew attending mass . What a joy to walk on this faith journey with other like-minded families! Weekly rosaries, nightly Bible stories, saint stories, catholic summer camps…there were many opportunities to nurture the faith and we were blessed to practice them. Besides baptisms and first communions, my highlight was when my first-born son whom we will call Josh started to serve as an altar server when he was 12.
Going Downhill Fast
I did not see it coming. When Josh hit puberty, I started to notice he appeared distracted and indifferent. He occasionally voiced doubt and sarcasm for our faith and those who practice it. I accepted his sentiments and heard him out. I attempted dialogue and mutual respect while remaining firm. Rules were rules. Everyone goes to Mass on Sundays by the very least. Next came the barrage of reports from his school that he has been acting out. He was about 13 when he started occasionally dashing out the door in the dark and we would never know where he goes. That wasn’t all.
I will never forget how the cops called me at 1 AM day the before Christmas Eve when Josh was in 8th grade. I cannot delve into details except to say that if it wasn’t for his age he would have been charged with a hate crime. Dialogue, consequences, positive reinforcements, therapies, and heartfelt prayers followed. But things kept getting worse. In fact, it got to a point where he was barely talking to us. Josh made our Mass experience so miserable that we had to cut him a slack. His dismissiveness was evident in everything he did. This torture lasted for several years.
Josh’s attitudes cast a shadow on his younger siblings as well, because his sister started not receiving communion and act uninterested in anything faith related. How can a parent lose her children at her own home? It was a journey of tears, agony, and shame because I did not feel comfortable sharing most of my home life any more, at least not about what mattered the most to me. Just when I was tempted to sink in despair, I received a consolation.
Our Lady of Sorrows Steps In
This is where our Lady of Sorrows comes in. While I was praying the Seven Sorrows Rosary, I reached the third mystery where we meditate on Joseph and Mary losing Jesus at the temple. It occurred to me that a mother sometimes can lose their child at most unlikely places. Well I admitted I lost my son and possibly my daughter too in my own house. Then I felt Our Lady say to me that she is with me in this journey. When she lost her son at the temple, and when she lost her son again because he was brutally murdered on the cross, her faith was unshaken.
It has been about 5 years in this journey. Now I know our Lady of Sorrows walked this road, and she is with me when I ask for her intercession. God knows exactly what He was doing all along because my baptismal name is “Maria Dolorosa” which I got to chose because I was an adult. As I received this consolation, my heart opened up to other ways in which God was helping me see things differently, and urging me to do the things I CAN do as a his daughter through Jesus.
Going back to my family, things didn’t change much on the exterior even though I quit my full-time teaching job to focus more on family. We were were desperately hoping that Josh can turn around. I knew Satan wants nothing more than division in our precious family and discouragement for those who believe. I admit both my husband and I were tempted to blame our teen, blame our parenting, blame the culture…butI realized Satan would like to see us blame each other and accuse ourselves. I knew that is not what God is calling us to do.
When I realized that that my enemy is not my son but the forces that led him away, and that he walked away with his own free will, I stopped the blaming game. I got busy trying to maintain a relationship with Josh, focused on my marriage and bond with the other children, upped my prayer & spiritual reading time, and banded together with friends with whom I can grow in my faith journey. I even got a part time job with kindergarteners so I can once again experience the sweetness of childhood! (Truth be told, I was going stir crazy with over-analyzing.)
Then slowly, I started to notice some signs of hope in our family. My husband and I started weekly lunch dates and had a blast. Our youngest child joined us in prayer for our older son. Conversations slowly started coming back with Josh. I decided I am going to support every good thing he attempts. So I made a point of getting him art supplies when he expressed interest in sketching and dying clothes. I took interest in his hair style and said positive things.
Troubled School Life
Academics used to come easy for Josh, as he effortlessly scored a GPA of 4.0 in all honors classes in 7th grade but it dipped down to below 2.0 in his sophomore year in high school. His teachers said he is tardy, sleeps in class, and does not engage. Then came the news that Josh was vaping in the boys bathroom. Suspension followed. We bought drug test kits and tested him randomly and every time Josh went out. Josh was sent to intensive outpatient program over the summer at a teen mental health center but we were shown the door because Josh’s dismissiveness was affecting other teens in the program.
His grades were still specked with Ds in his junior year, when Josh told me he wants to transfer again to another school: this time it is an online school. I figured we had nothing to lose. My husband was skeptical: “isn’t that dumbed down?”
Unexpected Guest and Hospice Days
Meanwhile, my 88 year old father in law Tom fell and couldn’t get up on his own. We took him in a few days later and started the hospice journey. He was a big man so sometimes took two grown men to lift him or maneuver him. This was the first time in a long time that Josh was truly needed. This predicament seem to work wonders in our family. There was so much more communication about ensuring Tom’s care that we didn’t realize how much closer we were getting.
Josh was now a much needed member in the family, and no longer regarded as a trouble maker. His relationship with my husband thawed to such a degree where they can talk without getting irritated or angry.
Having a hospice patient was almost like having a colicky newborn all over again but OK, I admit it was a little harder and complicated. None of us slept as well as we used to during those months. Tom not only received the Anointing of the Sick despite of his persistent resistance until his final months were around the corner, there were numerous happenings which confirmed that God was with us. (That is a story for another day.) Tom passed away after three months of care at our home.
As the funeral and burial arrangements were made, I noticed that the impossible phenomenon was happening. Josh was acing his classes with As and Bs. When he took the initiative to talk to his guidance counsellor, she allowed him to start senior classes early. So he completed 65 credits in less than 6 months with a GPA 3.7 in one semester and finished high school a year early. So we attended his graduation a month after Tom’s passing.
Glimmer of Hope
Just as Josh was getting more serious with his academic, it had been about a year since he had started a job as a bagger at a nearby grocery store. There he gained exposure to customers of all ages and circumstances, and he worked alongside different coworkers. There were a number of times when elderly customers would hand him a few dollars for brining their groceries to their cars. This and many other interactions gave Josh a glimpse into the real world beyond his own family life.
When Josh saw us attending his graduation and supporting his steps towards community college, he stopped believing in the lie that his parents dislike or don’t care about him. He now shares about his friends, his views, his joys, and fears. Not all things are resolved (as far as I am concerned) because he has not come back to the faith, but I know God is in charge. Why? For one thing, this trial has made me a better believer, made our marriage stronger, and our family has grown closer together. So many good fruits have already come out of this trial for me, and I know it will for you too.
This blog is my attempt to share stories of God working in our family. I will also share resources which bolstered my faith while I walk on this journey with our Mother of God. If you are on a similar path, let us not lose hope and remember that God is in charge. The devil wants us to be in a place of division, chaos, and fear. On the contrary, there is peace and order with our God. If God is for us, who can be against us? (Romans 8:31) I have many more stories of how God shows up each time our family had a need. Please feel free to click on my weekly blogs.
So I invite you to spend time with Our Sorrowful Mother. Asking for her intercession, and learning from her will soothe and inspire your heart like nothing else because Our Sorrowful Mother understands and she walks the path with us. The Seven Sorrows Rosary is a great way to spend time with Our Lady of Sorrows.
What if, we can be a little like Mary… to pray like her and trust Jesus like her and most importantly, to love Him like Mother Mary as we spend time saying the rosary and meditating on the mysteries? Here goes an ancient prayer: Beneath your mantle we take refuge, O Mother of God.No road is walked alone when Our Sorrowful Mother is by our side. The uncertainty and darkness may no longer seem as ominous when we know we are not alone. Wouldn’t you say that this journey is well worth it despite of the heartache now?
Remain With Mary 