It is a surreal feeling when a long-held desire encounters a glimpse of fruition. My heart soared when my elder son decided to get up and join our family in the communion line to receive a blessing during Christmas Mass. In his upper teen years, he had strayed from the faith he was raised with and ceased any practice of faith since moving away from home for college.

Looking back it seems our Christmas season was staged for this small miracle. All of our children had been calm and recollected when winter break started after a steady routine in their school life. I had prepared a family slide show as requested to view baby pictures as a Christmas Eve activity. Our family arrived 20 minutes early before mass and was ushered to the front row. But the ultimate kicker was when the homily started.

Our parish priest Father Tim spoke about the difference between Jesus and Santa Claus as the world presents him. This was a fitting topic because during his middle school years, Josh was bitterly disappointed that his oversensitive hearing was not cured despite of his heartfelt prayers. Ever since then, a seed of doubt was planted and to my chagrin it grew.

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Such was the context 7 years later that now as a budding young man, Josh heard that Jesus bore all the unfairness of life. Here was the Son of God born in a stable and laid in the manger because “there was no room for them in the inn.” This is how Jesus knows suffering firsthand and walks with those in hardship. I think Josh was finally mature enough to see that the flip side that God never promised a life of good health or comfort.

So I am convinced that the Holy Spirit touched Josh’s heart, just when he was able to receive the adult version of the gospel. Instead of staying in his seat or wandering off outside as he was in habit of doing when he grudgingly attended mass, Josh got up with the rest of us to join the communion line and received a blessing from a deacon.

After this amazing moment, life went on as usual and Josh still continues to live his life as though nothing happened. But the experience at Christmas mass bolstered my feeble faith and reminded me that God is working. He knows everything that led up to my son’s fall, and he has a perfect plan to deliver him. I do not know when or how but God’s unending love and mercy will surround my loved one. The psalmist has a perfect prayer at a time like this:

I do not busy myself with great matters,

With things too sublime for me.

Rather I have stilled my soul,

Like a weaned child to its mother,

Weaned is my soul.

(Psalm 131:1b and 2)

A weaned baby no longer needs to nurse at his mother’s breast every three hours. He can go on for a longer stretch of time as solid food nourishes his body. He still needs physical bonding but his newfound maturity drives him to experience life on his own. Similarly, my wayward heart is learning to not look for immediate consolation and relief, but to be at peace with the reality I find myself in. Knowing God is at work soothes the restlessness, anxiety, and the urge to control.

The over-planning and over-analyzing are my way of grasp and grab whatever is around me. It is ingrained in the human nature as we see healthy infants tightly curl their tiny fingers around ours. Pincer grip is a sign of maturity in motor-coordination among preschoolers. There is a natural urge to hold onto something: a title, possession, a friendship, an affiliation with certain group, an image, a perceived set of expectations, attachments of all kinds.  I have tried them all, and was left with strife, broken heart, and a keen sense of void while my soul stays ever more dry and parched.

How difficult it is to follow our invisible Lord when the world ignores him, let alone to surrender to Christ? We have a perfect model to guide us. Our sinless Blessed Mother readily said yes to God’s plan at the scene of annunciation to Angel Gabriel: “Be it done to me according to your word. “ Her freewill offering of herself brought about  Jesus into the world. If we could make room for God and express a desire to live his will, I think we too can bring Jesus into this broken world.

Since I long to spend my life under Mary’s mantle, I must part ways with my sins and attachments no matter how familiar and comfortable they are.  How do I make room for God in my life? This will be the reflection as we enter into the season of Lent, while preparing for the joyful celebration of Easter.

May Jesus and Mary be at your side as we journey along the road of faith.

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