After some years of limited communication, our relationship with our adult son Josh thawed over a year. A few months ago we were overjoyed when Josh decided to stay with us during Christmas for two weeks. He had matured over the years, as he came to understand that our frugal lifestyle was directed towards saving for his future and that the chores he was made to do prepared him for living on his own. Josh came to appreciate his Japanese heritage as his grandparents invited him to come stay with them a few times.

Yet there lies a great divide: the beauty and the gift of faith is still hidden from his point of view. Everything went so perfectly well for a week and half. But it all came to a head when Josh resisted coming to church on a Sunday against his father’s wishes. I heard the same rant I used to hear years ago. He is “not getting anything out of it” and he “has had enough since growing up”. He ended with “I am not doing this again when I come here for the summer”. I can feel his frustration building up. Realizing this is not an ideal preaching yet not wanting his views to prevail in front of his siblings, I told him candidly “maybe you are not coming back for the summer.”

A few days later on our way to the airport, Josh and I talked about what ruins a family relationship. I let him know he cannot bring conflicts into our home, and we will not provide financial support if he shacks up with a girl in college.

Somethings are not worth trading for. As much as it was fun to spend time together gift exchange, hiking, dining, catching up, reminiscing the past, walking through Christmas lights, taking photos, I cannot have my faith belittled at my own home. Josh’s influence already had led his sister to stray from the faith and to drop out of Confirmation prep.

It was in this context that I understood my adult child should move on and I really should move on.  I did not have a choice when he was 17 but Josh is a legal adult now. I have no control over his spiritual state any more than I have control over anyone. The Lord can decide when our paths will cross.

There is something very calming about accepting one’s limitations. I think there was part of me that still wanted to be a mother of little child who relies on us for guidance. But time has passed and the show must go on. I am no longer called to make lunches for Josh and take him to activities. That season has passed so I must let it go and get involved in what God has for me here and now. God must have a plan for me even when circumstances change.

Sometimes we old timers need to be reminded of this. “The one who calls you is faithful, and he will also accomplish it. “ (1Thessalonians 5:24) It is time to offer up the void and the sorrow I carried all these years trying to maintain peace in the home with a dismissive teen, and ask Jesus to recreate my life.

God did not fill my life with a bunch of new activities and people. It appears he wants me to taste his goodness in silence. It is there that I can see my own vulnerability and my loved ones in light of God’s mercy. Bitterness and sorrow melts away as acceptance sets in. Slowly and deliberately I picked up more spiritual reading and added daily examen and rosary as part of my schedule rather than saving them for special desperate occasions.

In this solitude, my heart growing closer towards Zechariah who was struck mute after not believing in the angel’s message. Until lately Zechariah represented a stigma: the one who was punished for disbelief especially compared to our Lady’s fiat at the scene of Annunciation. When I am downcast or confused, I can relate to Zechariah as I feel my faith wavering and anxiety tries to creep in.

Instead of a punishment, I believe now that the silence served as God’s mercy that paved the way for Zechariah to reflect deeply on God’s grace. Being a priest, his muteness must have intensified Zechariah’s ability to ponder God’s words. When his child was named John and he could speak again, his first words must have been praise and gratitude for God. That is exactly where I want to be when I lay down my cross.

Silence gives me a chance to chew on Word of God more deeply as responsorial psalms from mass drift in and out of my mind. Next I was led to re-examine how I spend my time. It took trust to let go of old habits and prioritize on faith and family, but I felt compelled to make some subtle changes or I am stuck in the same place spiritually.

What is the plan? I am awake and present for the Lord first thing early morning, and then I spend a bit of time with my family while they hustle and bustle to get ready for the day. After that I do the rest of what needs to get done in order of urgency and opportunity until it is time to check in with the Lord and family again. This daily planning method takes my moods and feelings out of the equation, and I don’t waste as much time this way.

Second part of the plan is to allow as much as I can to let silence to prevail between tasks, instead of rushing to fill them with music, podcast, or scrolling on my phone. During these moments I am often reminded of what is truly important that day, and how I can execute them. It is like taking time to erase the white board between classes before smartboard took over. Even though some surprises and events are part of life, there is now a new rhythm like a gentle and steady drum that keeps beating throughout a musical piece.

This is a great time to remember Mother Teresa’s quote: “God does not call us to be successful but to be faithful.” This quote helps me to remember that my goal is not to cling to my ideals. Instead it is time to respond to God’s mercy as the one who has been given mercy in order that God’s love may be efficacious through my life. St Augustine says “God loves each of us as if there were only one of us”. Lord, may I live for you and tend to whatever you sends my way! Some seasons in life are like driving on a foggy day. I am going into the unknown cautiously yet with the trust that the Lord is with me. May the Lord be with you in your journey whatever season you are in.