In order for me to mirror God’s love to my older children, I took a hard look at myself and my faith practice. I had to admit my alone time with God, spiritual reading, and small group meetings have slowly worn thin over the years. For me it meant I needed to fall in love with Jesus and His Church all over again if I was to express God’s overwhelming love at my own home. Kids can smell the fake Christian facade a mile away! This realization also led me to confession and reflecting on my marriage and parenting. 

The easiest way for me was to listen to podcasts by Father Mike firstly and then I branched out to Ask Fr Josh, Abiding Together, and Girlfriends. These were informative to me as I lacked the Catholic upbringing and basic church teaching. I devoured the books written by Venerable Fulton Sheen as his “take it or leave it” no sugar-coating approach suited my personality. Fr Quan Tran’s Imitation of Mary gave me an insight into Our Lady’s interior life.

Since in-person meetings were hard to come by during Covid restrictions, I found an online on-demand Catholic studies through Goodcatholic.com. It is one of the studies where I learned I can please God only by fulfilling my own vocation, not by imitating others. So it was OK for me to stop rosary midway to be available for a family in need, or pass ministries that would require too much time away from home.

When my soul was craving silence, I withdrew to my bedroom and said the rosary. This was a medicine to me.  A lot of times I cried and just zoned out staring at Jesus on the cross as long as circumstances let me.  Sometimes I did online Eucharistic Adoration when I ran out of words or read the scripture slowly.

I led small groups for a Saint study through ENDOW.  There I connected with older women who have been “through it all” was helpful too, and also met other mothers who are going through something similar.  This took away the feeling of stigma and shame that I somehow have brought onto myself.

Those all helped but the great inspiration came from a book called The Secret Diary of Elisabeth Leseur published by Sophia Institute Press. You may know that her husband became a renowned atheist after they were married at the Catholic church.  He later describes their home as “the atmosphere of hostility to her Faith”.  He also says “Elisabeth lived in an isolation of thought that was very painful to her.” (p. xxix)

Elisabeth went through some serious persecution in her own home by her husband’s verbal attacks on account of the Faith that she cherished. Yet she helped entertain the guests he brought home while fighting cancer.  She decided she owes nothing but utmost love for those around her. Here are her own words as she made a resolution:

“To have nothing but sweetness, amiability, and serenity for all, however I really feel, whether I am suffering or physically exhausted.  To be joyful with the deep and radiant joy drawn from God in the Eucharist. To love with more intense affection the dear ones around me who cherish me. Not to speak of myself, to interest myself in everyone. To give myself to others, keeping my best for God. (p.87)

“When we feel impotent against hostility and indifference, when it is impossible to speak of God or the spiritual life, when many hearts brush against ours without penetrating it, then we must enter peacefully into ourselves in the sweet company that our souls never lack; and to others we must give only prayers and the quiet example of our lives and the secret immolation that makes the most fruitful apostolate.  All our explanations, words, and efforts are not worth the feeblest ray of the Holy Spirit in enlightening a soul, but they may obtain all His light for this soul. (p.96)”

This was a great reminder to me as only God can bring our loved ones in communion with him, and we can offer our sufferings that we chose or accepting any inconvenience, misunderstanding, or mistreatment as acts of sacrifice.  I used to think that was only for lent. Here is more on that topic.

“There are moments in life when we must look neither ahead nor behind nor to the side, but contemplate only the cross God offers us, from which will flow great graces for ourselves and others.” (p.96)

“I renew my resolution of silence, seeing more clearly than ever necessity of reserve with everyone, especially concerning God. M must hide from everyone my soul, my spiritual life and the graces I have received, and speak as little as possible of my trials and bad health.” (p. 119)

I am not suggesting that women put up with verbal abuse or stay in an unhealthy marriage, but her example did bear a fruit after hear passing when Felix read his late wife’s journal.  As Elisabeth foretold, he converted and became a priest. Another important factor is that our children are under our God given authority unlike Elisabeth who was yoked with an atheist in a marriage.  I still felt I could learn from her example as my son grew increasingly hostile towards the church to the point where he wore antichrist jewelry and mocked me openly about how none of the children believe in God firmly.

It was getting too vexing to deal with my son about matters of faith, but I was drawn to the idea of offering sacrifices for the cause of my children coming back to the Church.  That sounded like “paying forward” for the changes that are to come! However, I did not want to do some drastic fasting and quit all together.  So I took baby steps and started giving up my favorite foods and snacking on Fridays. Let me tell you what happened: the attachment I had with food slowly dissipated and I feel as free as I ever did in my life. What blessing it is to be free!

Other inspiring books I have been inspired by on this topic are: No Soul Left Behind by John Labriola and What Would Monica Do? by Patti Armstrong and Roxane B Salonen.

Did you know that St. Monica was not the same mother she was when her son finally converted? She started off as an ordinary Christian mother worried and concerned for her son. (Father Alfonso on “Feminine Gifts” at a retreats given by St Michaels Abbey, Silverado, CA) Yet 17 years of that journey shaped her to who we know her to be. So the journey can lead us to become saints if we let it happen.