Showing Love

My family and I moved from Japan to Virginia when I was 12, and I did not know any English until 6^th grade when my school life became full immersion. So I know a thing or two about cultural differences and language barriers.  Sometimes when I didn’t understand what I was hearing, people around me had to show me in action what they are saying.  In a similar way, I figured if my children are closed off to church I have to show them what God’s love is without using the religious lingo they have decided to protest against.

I imagined that the teens were talking to the devil like Eve talked to the serpent, and they bought his message that we are depriving them of something good that they are entitled to.  Somehow they seemed to think that the physical world with its lures and ever varied opportunities for pleasure were better than good sound living and treating each other with respect. I firmly believed they were tricked, and  I made a point of showing them that I care for them even when I am misunderstood.  I made a point of treating all my three kids equally, so the teens know that I am not favoring their young brother who was a good listener. 

So how do I show God’s love to those who won’t come to church willingly? I decided God is calling me to be an advertising agent for His Kingdom. I have actually worked at an advertising agency and my desk was next to the creative director there.  His commercial scored a huge success and his position soared from a staff to a director in a few months.  Something his commercial had was both relevance, or connection with the viewers, and beauty.  In this commercial, a beautiful actress dressed in simple everyday attire first appears exhausted after a long day’s work. Then she grabs a cup of coffee, shutting her eyes as she enjoys the warm cup against her cheek while the snow falls in the backdrop at train station. She takes a sip and sighs in relief and satisfaction. This seemingly nonchalant scene somehow tugged on the heart of many working people in Japan who are almost all train commuters.

To connect with teens I found that honesty and humor, coupled with humility works well. That meant the judgements had to go, unless anything goes against God’s ten commandments. I am not suggesting we cave into their whims, because we are still parents. But I was real with them and did not expect them to do things I didn’t do when I was their age.  When I am driving them around or just hanging out in the house I would try to engage them in a conversation.  It did not happen all the time and sometimes it was painful to bear the silence, but slowly it started to flow, especially when the oldest started driving on permit. Usually conversations centered around little things like hair, clothes, a new thrift store, homework, nails, skincare, outings, new menu at a fast food place, and favorite foods. 

They came around gradually and I was able to get a peek of their inner lives. It is an innate human need to be heard, and the teens let me into their world. I just needed to gaze at them without judgement, with open arms, and a warm smile. Instead of being on my phone screen when they pass by me like they do, now I look at them in the eyes and greet them and ask how they are doing. I decided to let God handle the conversion of their hearts, and set my eyes on my end goal: to build a connection and did not bring up my agenda. Slowly my teens let me enter into their corners of the world.

My desperation with Josh, who was found to be vaping for a couple of years, led me to help him find any other healthy outlets. After executing series of consequences like removing the lock function on his bedroom door, testing him randomly and grounding, I also wanted to support Josh get over his bad habits. Our trust was gone but he is still our child and I wanted to do everything I can to help him be successful.

So I endorsed his part-time job at the grocery store, dyeing clothes, thrifting, sketching, sewing, surfing, bodyboarding, and lifting weights…basically any other thing but drugs, video games, and sex. So I made a point of making positive comments about all the good things he is doing and endorsing these activities by offering to buy supplies (within reason because surfboards are outrageously expensive), transportation, and generally being accommodating. Since all good things come from God, my hope is that the good that he pursues will ultimately lead him to the source one way or another.

Beauty

When it comes to beauty, I am a realist and I am not proposing that we become supermodels or that we turn our homes into a mansion. I only focused on what I can do such as dressing up a little on Sunday, and altering my strictly utilitarian housekeeping style. I am talking baby steps like adding a seasonal décor in the bathroom, vacuuming more frequently than I used to, getting rid of clutter, and making sure I make my bed by noontime. Beauty woos and attracts people of all ages and circumstances. “Beauty is the arrowhead of evangelization” according to Bishop Robert Barron.  I can create and deliver beauty in my children’s environment and let beauty do the talking into their souls!

I once heard about a survey done on children to see what they would want of their parents.  Most people expected them to say “more time”.  Surprisingly the answer was that “parents not be so stressed.” That makes sense.  What child wants to spend time with a tired and stressed adult? So I did my best to act composed and well put together.  It is almost like standing in front of a class full of children.  When I lay aside my family life and personal struggles and focus on the needs of the students, the composure returns.  I envisioned that I handed over my broken heart to our Lady of Sorrows, and did my best to connect with the children in front of me. It was almost like fake it until you make it, but the peace has come, thanks to the Holy Spirit.