The bomb hit me when I least expected it; my 15 year old asked me “how long do I have to keep coming to mass? Josh stopped coming around my age right?” It hit me like a ton of bricks and I honestly was in such a shock that I did not know what to say. So I told her we will talk about it later and I passed on her sentiments to Graham, my husband. 

Ever since Kaitlyn left all her religious items that I had gifted her over the years right on the table for me to collect, I knew she was not thrilled about going to church. But she was usually not confrontational nor did she ever get into trouble at school.  It was my hope that she would “catch the fire” through osmosis.  Nevertheless, she has been acting uninterested and refused to take communion from around age 14. Since then, my heart was broken and I was at a loss. 

Where is my sweet little girl who went to the Sacred Heart Camp? Ever since 7^th grade, Kaitlyn refused to go to faith-based camp. When her brother started showing aversion towards going to church, it was obvious she followed in his footsteps. Her coldness and indifference confirmed my observation that she is ready to walk away from the faith. This realization put me in a deep sinking well.

We had just pulled her out of Confirmation prep because we were moving mid-year, and she had acted so miserable the year before.  I even snuck in to one of their candle-lit adoration to see if it was that bland, but I only realized that the parish offered a great program.  My daughter just wasn’t ready.

Graham did not act surprised.  He is a cradle Catholic who have attended all-boy Catholic school and said this is a typical behavior for baptized Catholic teens.  (I did not convert until age 20 after being brought up with no religion whatsoever so I did not know what to expect.) I was relieved when Graham said he will take a lead on this and talk to her.

So we called her in the living room when the boys were gone to have a chat. Nothing earth shattering took place.  We reassured her she is not in trouble. Graham started with something like “Kaitlyn, you are getting older and you are an intelligent young lady. I want to hear what is on your mind when you said you no longer want to come to church.”

Kaitlyn broke out with a litany of complaints.  She does not see the meaning.  She is tired of trying to please us. It is the same thing each time.  She just tunes out.  The youth group is the worst, and mass is also bad because half the people are seniors she cannot relate to. She may become a Buddhist some day or atheist. Who knows? She doesn’t want to think about any soul searching or meaning of life.

I was frozen and distraught by these remarks.  Graham acted cool.  He pointed out we cannot force religion on anyone, and that would be a wrong thing to do. He went on to describe how his parents always went to church and he was not all that excited growing up but he felt it was what was expected of him.  Does she not feel that she can give one hour a week out of respect for us? “No” was the immediate answer.  By then I am petrified.

Graham is an engineer so he went on to explain how scientifically speaking it would take a sheer miracle for life to exist in the first place because a human body is made of billions of varied types of cells working seamlessly.  Kaitlyn cut him off short and said she cannot think about that now. Graham remained calm still, and the conversation ended with “OK you can stop coming when you are 17.” Kaitlyn acted content at that and went back to her room.

I did not expect anything good to come out of this conversation; in fact I was thinking it was one of the worst days of my life.  When I least expected it, the fruit became palpable in the next weeks and months. The air has been cleared and the tension was gone. The conversation helped me to accept that she is just “not feelin’ it” and I decided to choose to be the best parent I can be despite of that. Now that the parameters have been set, I have to let this topic go and leave it in God’s hands.

Not only that, Kaitlyn’s disposition has become much amicable and straight-forward. She lets me know when there is a schedule conflict with the mass and makes her own plans to join another family, and I didn’t have to continually make plans to work around everyone’s activities.

Maybe it was because she had a chance to express her opinion unfiltered and she felt heard. Perhaps she perceived that we are not the fanatic controlling parent she thought we might be, but parents with ears to listen. Sometimes parents have to model listening so that teens can follow our example…

So now we are at a truce and peace has found its way to mother-daughter relationship.  I don’t bring up church or faith because I know it is not a place for us to connect right now.  I only have 3 more years of guaranteed time with this girl.  We talk about hair, clothes, friends, her siblings, and people in our lives, and we sometimes go shopping together. I make a point of making truthful positive comments when I am touched by what she does.

Pope Francis in his Apostolic Exhortation in 2023 Oct quotes St Therese of Liseux when he says “Evangelization comes through attraction, not pressure”.

Sometimes we have to step away, and let the beholder experience the beauty of the faith when he/she is ready.  St Teresa of Avila says, “it is easier to attract bees with honey than vinegar.” I wish I did not have to take the long way.  The Bible warns against “fretting” in Psalm 37. But if God let it happen, He also must know how to bring them back! I might as well enjoy the ride.